The weather is changing on the monte, my dear friend Prabal and Mr. Owl pays a visit!

I am feeling the need to try and communicate with myself in this manner more frequently than 1x per month.  I know I did an entry yesterday.  Which was a mediocre day at best.  Today is a tad better.  My dear friend skyped with me from India for over two hours and set me quite straight.  He made such perfect sense and has encouraged me to Practice "the practice" in order to remain grounded enough to not give in to the "flee" syndrome but rather to stay the course and "fight" it out or, as Italians would put it "go with the flow and be flexible or ready for anything".

So amazing what a learning experience this is for me here on this hill.  I mean.  Little did I know that me left alone with my own thoughts due to the silence and lack of "things to distract me" in my immediate vicinity would yield so much difficulty and emotional "pain" as it were.  Feelings of guilt because I left a 6 figure job and an expensive apt in Manhattan.  How dare I drop out of the corporate mecca that I had spent the last 25+ years circumnavigating.  Hell I only just this past year got back to the salary I was earning back in 2007 when I was relocated to LA for a big job!  What happened to my drive?  My ambition?  My power hungry "I want to win" competitive edge.  I sit here with the winds blowing outside wondering what is going to come of this journey.  How will I evolve and I have to believe it will be for the betterment of being.

I sit here today working on an outline for a lecture on branding that I have to give on July 5th to some heads of small export companies here.  And I am struggling with the material.  I have been selling this stuff and writing proposals about it for years and it took me an entire day to craft an outline for a day long class!??  And now, I have to fill that outline up with content.  And I'm a tad panicked!  What happened to my ability to throw 50+ slides together for a very important career defining meeting in less than a day!??  Am I getting soft?  Lazy?  Or do I simply feel as though this has little meaning?  How can it have little meaning if it is intended to share my knowledge with Italians of another culture who are eager to learn from the way we do it on Madison Avenue?  How can I not be all up in my face wanting to make this the best it can be!?

It's not that I can't do this but that I am telling myself I don't want to because I am scared.  Again.  To not do a good job.  This nagging self doubt as I sit here trying to figure out what's next will need to either move itself along or I need to give it a good swift kick because it's not helping me move forward.

Today my friend in India told me that I took the biggest gamble of my life coming here and that now that I am here I have to learn to create the work ethic for myself and my own work that I gave so generously to my employers all these years.  How do I structure and turn this into a successful enterprise over here?  I am surrounded by small export companies and young managers who need help.  I need to help them. By helping them I give back and maybe even save a company from going bankrupt in the process?

Why do I constantly feel that not doing 180 million things at one time all suited up for success is failing to "be working" or is this the detox in workaholics rehab that everyone told me was coming.

My friend up in Switzerland was laid off in January 2013.  He has a one year paid severence package and a non compete clause for that same time period. He is now going to invest and build his own wealth management advisory bank.  He is risking a lot to try and make this work with 4 collegues of his.  It seems as though as we hit 50 (at least some of us) we are either let go of, or we stand in place doing what pays us every month so we can make bills.  I feel like what i did was nothing short of totally crazy and lunatic by walking from such a seemingly great job that i was bored of and in because i wanted to come to Italy to establish things that mattered to me while I got a little business off the ground in order to make some money to live well and travel when I wanted to.  I came here for that reason.  And now I have the schizophrenia of wanting to run home with wanting to give it a real shot.  My fears my worries over money all of this stuff.  So safe and so secure for so long..but was I really safe and secure back in my Manhattan abode or was that all just my own illusion?

I have downsized to the bare minimum and am aiming to live on an expense line item of less than $1800 per month all inclusive here in the mountains of Tuscany at least through the summer.  I mean I don't do much shopping other than to buy food and niblets for our resident "gatti" and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out "the second half"   How to make it real and satisfying.  How to keep it real and authentic.  Who is to say that I cannot do what Prabal today suggested and actually find amazing artistic product somewhere in crumbling Europe that I cannot export back into the USA in high net worth areas for a decent margin?

But.  Do I have the guts to make the investment in myself?  To spend down some savings to try?  Or will i sit here and hope to get another JOB for the paycheck every month or will it be both?  One thing is for sure, I am still confused and scared and from today on I am going to try and be nothing but overly optimistic because to not be is a death sentence.   I look back at my old life in NYC and cannot say that I miss "IT" much.  I just miss or dont know how to exist without WORKING ALL THE TIME or working at a pace where i never stopped to listen to people nor did i even want to talk on the phone much with people.  Crammed days.  Now my days are my own.  And I need to learn to structure them and focus them for me so that i can succeed and make this dream come true for myself.  Or not.

Today the weather is shifting here in Tuscany for the remainder of the week.  We are to have rain and clouds and cooler temperatures Tues-Friday and the winds are howling up here in the monte.  I am having a Diane Lane in an "Under the Tuscan Sun" period here with doors slamming around, curtains blowing off windows, spider webs coming undone in the crevices of this retrofitted stable / barn home we live in.  And..in addition to the gatti out front?  An Owl showed up and perched right outside on the edge of the Terrazza--stared at me and me at him for a good 10 seconds and then he just majestically flew off into the mountain!?    Was that a sign for me?  Was he my keeper or guardian angel or was he sent to deliver a message to me, one that I do not think I received today but maybe he will be back.  I liked him, Mr. Tuscan Owl visiting on a stroke of wind.

I have a lot to do on this presentation this week BEFORE Friday and so I must try to focus and structure and believe that THIS IS AS IMPORTANT AS ANY NEW BUSINESS SALES PITCH I HAVE EVER GIVEN because some people may walk away from the day's lecture doing things differently in their life and work and that would have been because of my presentation.  So.  I need to get out of myself and make it count for other people.

It's a hard journey this one that I am on.  Everyone around me who knows me thinks I can do this.  I seem to be the only one who lacks the confidence....

I learned how to keep the laundry rack from falling over due to the winds today...lovely what a pair of 2 deck chairs can do in terms of drying your laundry (we dont have dryers here in ITALY, folks..its au naturale as in the wind and the air and if its raining and winter oh well its just going to be a week before everything dries that's all but I can't think that far in advance.

Friday is my birthday party with the Reggiani and I have to get this work done STAT.  I also am trying to devise a way to earn some money so that i can go to India in early November for 2 weeks for the Hindu New Year.  Its only 8.5 hours flying time from here and PK is there for the next 6 months.  How amazing would that be to see the country with him as my guide!?  I also am making plans to see friends in Belgium and Switzerland in July and August and Gianni and Jackie will be about 45 mins away on the beach in San Vicenzo beginning next week so...human connection will soon be possible!

Crap I need to figure this out and get productive!  I need to get back to my old ME in terms of output.  I have got to UNBLOCK!  UNBLOCKING GODS PLEASE HELP ME!

Or Mr. Owl come back and tell me how to unblock as you seem to be having no problem flying free all around the regione!

Signing off from Tuscany for this 24th day part of June.....there goes the cow bellowing..must be feeding time.....

How to keep the wind from knocking over the "drying" laundry- Deck Chairs!  GENIUS!

 This would be my bath (bagno)

This is the REALLY BAD KITCHEN meant for summer holiday residing only but GG and I we manage to make some good meals in this discombobulated set up!

Salotto--the Main Room.  Rustico for sure.  There is no way I can live here in 

wintertime as its freezing up here---he needs a STOVE THAT BURNS WOOD PELLETS THIS YEAR!

My room.  My bedspread and am back in a twin bed like a little 4 yr old-but the plan was to move upstairs to floor two in the fall and have a double size bed again..it sure ain't my lofty queen packed back into storage in NJ that is for sure..but how much does that matter--REALLY!?

Under the Tuscan Sun Uncensored and How I overestimated myself ---

Well.  Its late June and I am very behind in my recordings of my experiences/adventures here in the Vecchia Paese of ITALY.   I think I left off where my friend Gayle had left to go back to Chicago and shortly thereafter I had medical issues that took me to 2 different doctors here both of whom said that the US Medical system practices defensive medicine and neither felt I needed any sort of biopsy...turns out all I need is a diagnostic something or other in September but not to overly worry or focus on it for now.  So that took a load off...

Then.  I had the proverbial melt-down.  The mid life crisis realization that I left EVERYTHING i had worked so hard for the last 25+ years and stored it in Hackensack to come here and live the dream.  Well.  It is not a dream.  It is reality.  And the reality is hard, hard hard.  So hard that I actually have found myself not doing so great here when all the while I thought this was a slam dunk.  a no brainer.

Well.  I was wrong and I overestimated the living situation.  Surely living in the Tuscan countryside near the mare (sea) is quite lovely (for the summer at least) but doing it full time is making me a bit psychotic.  After a solid month of being dependent on a car (that is hardly ever here), and roomming with a "Solitary Scholar" type of person who can sit at his desk and work on his lessons plans for days on end and never see or speak to anyone, I have officially had the Head Pop Off my body and have told all that I am moving OFF THIS MOUNTAIN at the end of August.  At first I didnt think id even last until mid July.  But I have made some plans to take some trips away from the woods to go see friends in Belgium and Switzerland later in July and August so that will get me out of my head and off the damn mountain for a time.

Italy is beautiful.  Don't get me wrong.  But I think I may very well have to finally cop to the fact that I just do not move at their speed.  Giorgio has energy and he moves like me but in the academic camps which is a whole other ritmo of existing.  I am a total extrovert.  A sales person.  I need to talk to people, see people, interact with them and BE WITH THEM.  You put me on a hill with some cows, goats and cats and dogs and an academic and if I had a pistol I would have already shot myself in the head!!!  Its not like I need a BIG CITY--but to go from NYC to this was a bit stronza on my part.  I should have known far  better.  Most people who know me well told me I'd not last -- even my therapist once told me dont go remote because you are   a social person....OK well live and learn.  I am here now but I have told everyone (including said landlord) that I will not be moving to the upstairs apt in Sept but rather down the mountain and either I will have to return to America and restart all over again or I figure a way to earn just enough to live where there is far less tranquility and MORE HUMAN BEINGS in giro....

OK OK you can all go ahead and laugh at my expense on this one ok?  I mis read myself.  I thought after all the stress in NYC and the shlepping etc that this was gonna be so fantastic and that i was gonna launch this business and blablabla but---reality is---it is HARD HARD work and NOT AT ALL easy and with the medical issue preoccupying my head for almost a month up here on the hill with the silence of the lambs--you can imagine that by now July 1 I am ready to leave this second!  But its summer and I am in the mountains near the Tuscan seashore so I NEED TO MAKE THE BEST OF THESE NEXT 60 days because deep down I know I am lucky to have them.  Most don't get this chance and I need to savor it but the self discovery is some scary shit...when its quiet and you have you and your thoughts and the bees and the trees?  You realize.  What life do I really have?  All I did was work?  All I want to do now is work?  But there is not a lot of work.  Or I have to get the work structured to make it happens.  And I have no steady income.  AM I OUT OF MY FRIGGIN MIND!??  Yes.  We all know Mindy is not normal. and to be really true folks, I have no idea where I am going to land by September 15th but it won't be in Vetulonia/Castiglione because once the summer seasons closes I will need to be on my way so Plan B is right now in full effect.  Scary thing is, its not all that fleshed out yet this plan B of mine.  I have some lectures and seminars I am doing in July and August but not very much stuff going on here in July and August and then it will be time to"hopskip" from the mountain to a metropolo--FLorence would be PERFECT if i can figure a way there but its not likely---so if I am back in the United States by mid September people, I invite you all to have a great belly laugh at my expense for watching me lift off only to boomerang back because the temporary living situation (which I can no longer really tolerate full time already anymore) is not working and my sanity is more important than anything else right now!

At least I tried.  No one can fault me for that , right?

OK so.  Suffice it to say I am brutally honest about this entire thing and to and about myself but I can make lemonade out of this lemone.  I have seen some gorgeous countryside and beaches while here and I promise my summer sabbatical location is better than most i could have had back in NYC this summer.  The Challenge will be the "REINVENTION"  "THE RESTART"..... and so in 60 days we physically relocate to more "civilization" so that Mindy can think and come to life again.  Once that happens I am sure I can create/make something of my silly little life, right?

If nothing else I am mountain biking in some beautiful terrain when not working on teaching assignments or the nestplan business stuff so even though I am a little disappointed I can't complain too much.  I am very fortunate that I got to do this and that I had the courage to try.  OK so now we know. Mindy can live in the country mountains with animaletti ONLY 2 weekends per month or 1 week per year on holiday---other than that..I need to be NOT car dependend and my legs shld be all I need to get ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD...or I need to live someplace where a car takes you to a variety of things in less than 10 mins.

So there!  Not embarassed to share that the transition in terms of living situation is not going well and we already have to make plans to move come Sept 1 and so that is my focus while I do the beach and sea thing here in betwixt some of these assignments..

OEY VEY
OK OK are you all laughing now?? GO AHEAD!  Glad I can be of some entertainment value to you all! ha!

And I have yet to figure out what i want to be doing this next half of my life professionally.  Trying to figure that out while here reading books about it and magazine articles and what not.  I could probably teach here in ITALY as that is where most of Giorgio's connections are -- in the academic arena- and that would not be so bad but I just feel that I am going to get very rusty very fast which is why I am trying to dive into this BIG DATA-BUSINESS INTELLIGENCE thing here because that is software and that intrigues me...

What i know I have learned so far is that I am definitly going to work until i am well into my 70's because i dont like NOT working at a fast pace.  I am built for higher speeds.  So i either create MACH DEF 1 here in Italy and take over half the region or I come back to America and launch this idea state side from FL where there is no state tax and incorporating is inexpensive.  I already have a great local lawyer down there who can help me and my dad isn't any slouch.  I need to build/run something..so that i can come up to the mountain once a month to decompress.  If i  am here all the time decompressing I cannot get creative.  I need chaos around me to be creative...does that make any sense at all!!??

Back later with some of the actual adventures which I have had, BTW.  Especially with the moths and the bees up here the size of RATS!!!!  Mamma Mia!!

This is the view from my terrace level "office" looking left at the old stables

 This is one of my office mates who clearly is around all the time b/x I feed him!

 My office view on non rainy days.  That's our car under the tree di fronte...

 Italian Cats resemble the Italians.  This is about as tough as the day gets up here at Headquarters!!!

OMG!!  I am laughing so hard.  I can NOT believe I am actually here doing this in this location.  I cannot wait to see how this loudmouth caterpillar transforms herself as a result of all this and it better be into a pretty damn good butterfly and not some hairy, mothlike creature!  Here's hoping!